The Last Stand: The When and How to Blow it Up

There are times in our life where enough is enough. In fact, as you read these words you may be feeling like you have been in such a position for the last few years; but, (and this is the part that really gets people) you have no idea what to do or how to change what is going on. Oftentimes we live in fear of what will happen if we take a stand. Perhaps in the past you have tried, only to be ignored or met with the irritated opposition of those around you. In such cases, we allow bosses, spouses, children, and everyone else to dictate what we will do and how we will do it. We complain, stuff, lie to ourselves, take part in passive-aggressive behaviors, and make minor attempts to change—we might even go into swings of anger or depression. Some in this position quietly say to themselves, “I guess I shouldn’t make such a big deal”, or “maybe I’m just being a baby” (notice the critical self-talk). Others can go into emotional desperation, numbness, or even addictive behaviors. In this process we can lose ourselves and, in the extreme, allow others we care about to be bullied and/or abused. We may continually fool ourselves into thinking things will get better on their own, that others will come to our rescue, or that if we just give enough of ourselves it will make things better.

Understand our repeated behavior will most likely never change what is going on around us. There are times, in order to experience a life of health and freedom, we may have to do the most uncomfortable of actions: We may have to blow it up so that it has a chance of coming to life.

What is Meant By “Blowing it Up” and Why We Don’t Do It Sooner:

When I say “Blow it Up” it doesn’t come without some qualifications. For one, we mustn’t blow things up just for the sake of demanding our own way; after all, we can have a tendency to get it wrong (more on that later). What is meant here is taking a stand against an unjust situation even though we are whole heartedly afraid of what might happen. Confrontation need not be taboo; in fact, it can be a loving and necessary part of a healthy relationship. If done right, the confronter can be lovingly firm—standing their ground even if those being confronted fly off the rails. In this sense, the “blowing up” is really not on the one taking the stand but those that go into desperate survival mode, in strenuous opposition to the change at hand. There could be many reasons why we don’t do anything about making a change around us. The following are just a few:

For one, we tend to catastrophize the outcome of changing behaviors we have grown accustomed to, even though they have not done us any favors along the way. For the parent, this might mean not allowing their children to go through some natural consequences (and full-blown fit throwing); for a spouse, it could include not stating a concern or need to them because the fear of a negative reaction; and for members of an organization (employer or church), the fear of hurting others, being rejected, or completely cast off can be stifling. As a result we stand still, frozen in our perceived incapacity to do anything about what is happening.

Another reason we don’t stand up for ourselves can include not wanting to be “selfish”. This can come from an historical need to please and appease but can also be the product of a gift of sensitivity and an ability to attune toward others. If we are very aware of the reactions of others, rocking the boat can bring us feelings of uncertainty and fear. One of the most oft repeated statements in my office when encouraging people to develop a healthy voice tends to be, “but I feel bad”. Such guilt and/or shame may have come from not knowing what it is like to state a perfectly reasonable personal need. Whereas it’s actually a gift to be sensitive to oneself and others, it’s also important to remember: a personal sensitivity does not have to lead to a relational dysfunction.

When to Blow It Up:

Moving from the “what and why not”, let’s consider the when. First, keep in mind that the current situation has most likely gone on for some time. We may have attempted to control things around us in hopes that it will change but this can be annoying at least and damaging in the extreme—it could even be that some of our behavior may actually keep the dysfunction going…ugh! The following three “when’s” can signal its time to do what we are fearful of:

When All Other Options Have Failed:

You may have attempted to be subtle about what you need; you may have nagged and prodded; you may have said a multitude of prayers in hopes that things will be different. If you can honestly say that you have made some pretty sincere attempts at changing the course of things, and the other(s) in the exchange have not moved, then it may be time to do consider and/or move forward with some other options.

When We Have Lost Ourselves: Our Values and Our Voice:

This is a big one. What I have seen in relationships (personal or work) is that when one person dominates and the other subordinates, the one who is not in control slowly begins to lose themselves. They may try to grasp for control through desperate measures (nagging and gathering others to their side) but in reality, they may have long been talking themselves out of their needs, feelings, values, and voice. This leads to confusion about what they really need and want. One of the patterns of this is for the dominated to focus so much on their relationships with others they have a great difficulty seeing themselves as an individual; as a result, who they are and what they do are most often tied into their spouse, co-workers, children, and friends but seldom just them.

When Others Are Affected:

Children, co-workers, church members and even other loved ones can be adversely affected by the situation at hand. We can be fearful of the unexpected outcome for ourselves and others. Having been witness to a variety of circumstances, I can tell you that fear of what will happen to others can be an even more powerful demotivator than worry about oneself. What must be considered is whether or not the children (or co-workers etc.) are really better off letting things continue the way they have been. For the husband, trying to manage his wife’s addiction, allowing her to verbally attack the children for fear of confrontation does not help the children. For the church member who is afraid to say something against a charismatic and overbearing leader, if such a leader continues on the course they are on, others will be adversely affected. It is vitally important to look at those around us and consider what they are going through as a result of what is going on.

How to Blow It Up and What Could Happen:

In the how of the matter, it is important to make mention of the realities of what may take place when confronting others. Remember, if things have gone on unchanged for so long, the new approach will cause some disruption (which is what many have been so afraid of!). In many cases, those who tend to dominate do so out of a threatened sense of self—most having been dominated themselves at some point of their lives (which is why they see confrontation as a threat to who they are). Even the narcissist uses their self-centeredness to protect against feelings of abject failure. Those who are truly secure in who they are allow for the space of other’s needs and wants; so, if the following steps are kept in mind, prepare for either fight, flight, or freeze from both the confronter and the confronted—each are an automatic (survival) response to a perceived threat.

Remember Who You Are:

Generally, those who let things go unchecked for some time lean toward a freeze response, allowing themselves to be dominated and controlled. They may have taken the mode of savior to try and make the situation better by hefting more of the burden. They may periodically grow upset with what is going on but will tend to suppress their thoughts and feelings over time. Not only this, if the dominated bring something up, the dominator will tell them they are mistaken, over-reacting, stupid, or just plain nuts (which is a fight response from those being confronted). What is worse is that the dominated will begin to believe it! As a result, the controlled will be thrown between bouts of numbness (flight) or rage (fight) as they try to feebly take back some control of who they are, which further lends to the confusion.

What is important in this case is for the confronter to remember who they are and their identity: their values and ideals—apart from how they are being influenced by another. Who we are (our identity) does involve our relationship with others, but it also involves our relationship with ourselves: our values, hopes, dreams, goals, ideals etc. It is important that we take time to consider what these values are—write them down and go over them periodically. Many find their faith vital in determining their identity, reflecting through prayer and meditation in order to bring their values into clear focus. When the one who may be called to take a stand begins to push they will need to rely on a firm identity (among other things) to see them through. Even if the dominator launches into fight mode when confronted, the formerly dominated confronter, firm in their identity, need not take flight or freeze when the moments get tense. When at least one person is sure and confident in who they are they will be able to stand firm without attempting to control the other—which brings us to boundaries.

Keep Your Boundaries: Personal and Relational:

In other posts I’ve mentioned that we have three different relationships: One with ourselves, one with others, and one with creation. It is crucial that we keep healthy boundaries with each in order to make sure any confrontation does not become domination. When the dominator/dominated dynamic exists both are relying way heavily on their relationship with others to determine who they are (for the dominator, the other must comply and for the dominated, the other must rescue).

Personal and relational boundaries require that we are able to contend with our own thoughts and feelings (Personal) while not relying on others (Relational) to bear the responsibility of how we are feeling—remember, our feelings are influenced by other’s but they cannot be controlled by them. So, if we take responsibility for our own thoughts and feelings then, relationally, we can practice both an inside and outside boundary in confrontation. An inside boundary protects you from me—in other words, I take control of my own feelings and not unleash them all on you (not fighting, flighting, or freezing but sitting with my feelings). An outside boundary protects me from you—whatever you say I will filter where you are coming from, own my part, and not get swept up in any outbursts. 

State Your Goals and Hopes:

If there is confusion about what is wanted the stand may lose steam, waver, and sputter to a halt. To avoid this some serious reflection on what is desired must take place. So very often, those who really want a change have no idea of how they want things to be—which is a product of having lost themselves within the relationship or situation. If boundaries where never understood or taken care of then values, goals, wants, and interests can become confused—often suppressed and lost to the other.

After we have taken some serious reflection and “us” time to consider our identity, goals should then be explored as they relate to our values—first personal goals, then the goals of the relationship. (Side note: personal goals must be done first because, for so long, the one who has lost themselves has only thought of the relationship, having difficulty seeing themselves as an individual). This process may look like this: “I value hard work and dedication; therefore, one of my personal goals is to engage in activities that help strengthen this concept in myself—such activities include”. Relationally, the value/goal dynamic may look like this: “Relationally, I value understanding; therefore, one of my relational goals will be to strive to understand where my spouse is coming from before assuming what they think”. Keep in mind any relational goal cannot be to get someone else to do what we think is right but only to get ourselves to act according to our values.

Support and Get Support:

Because there is a relational aspect to who we are, we absolutely must give and get support during this process. Taking a stand will be difficult and we may want to quit at several points, which is why we need the support of others who share our values and respect who we are. These friends, coworkers, therapists, pastors, and confidants must not rescue us but encourage our individuality and character. What this looks like is that they will not simply gossip with us about how bad we have it but hold us to accountability toward who we want to be—reminding us of what we must do first and not just focusing on the other.

The other side of this coin surrounds how excruciating it will be for the confronted to be called out—which is a big reason they will go into fight, flight, or freeze and why we must give support when confronting. Indeed, this sounds strange, after all, we may think we have been giving support for years by keeping quiet while in reality we have been just hoping we would be rescued! Instead of just appeasement, giving support while confronting involves reassuring the confronted that there is strong support and commitment to them even though things must change. For the parent who is allowing their child to go through natural consequences they might say, “I understand that you are upset at being grounded, just know that I love you and want what is best for you”. For the spouse it may be, “I love you and am completely committed to you and this relationship, because I am committed you have to know that what you are doing must stop—remember I love you!” And for the employee it might be, “I very much appreciate my job and this company, and I respect your position as my boss, because of that it is important that some changes take place if I’m going to keep working here”. In each of these cases, a firm stand in one’s values, and a solid commitment to the other, must exist in the same space. Remember to keep these support statements short as not to launch into a back and forth argument or drawn out lecture. The confronted may feel a type of rejection—moving into all sorts of attacks as the old system tries to hang on; remember, hold fast, stand firm, stay committed, and blow it up!

For more help with relationship and boundaries, a good therapist can help shore up who we want to be so that we might live in integrity. If you are seeking help, check out Downey Park Counseling Associates website at www.dpcamodesto.com or for further reading, visit my blog at www.chrisoneth.com.

Blessings;

Chris Oneth LMFT

Executive Director

Downey Park Counseling Associates