Metamorphosis: The Essential Values of Change

There are a few re-occurring themes I see in the work I do: Relationships are tricky, people are complex, our past influences our present (and future), and change can be tough. For that last one, I don’t think the word “tough” really does the process of change much justice. More accurate: change can be excruciating, frightening, painful, daunting…and necessary. This process of change, or metamorphosis, can feel like nothing we have felt before—good or bad. In the most recent Spider Man film, we see a young Peter Parker up against the battle-hardened Vulture (expertly played by Michael Keaton I must say). What the Vulture lacks in speed, agility, and most everything else super human, he makes up for in mental toughness and grit—qualities that the young Parker has no hope of matching. It’s only through a crucible moment (of pain and hardship) that Parker goes through the metamorphosis to become the true Spider MAN—and so it is with any growth or change we have before us.

The idea of doing something different just doesn’t seem like us: we don’t know how or where to start, we don’t have anyone to help us, we don’t know if it will work, we don’t want to seem foolish. I have spoken in other posts about the Three Hurdles of Change, and what is needed to Overcome the Three Hurdles, but as I work with clients I see the need to also emphasize the values (as in, the core beliefs) that are needed to embark on the Three Hurdles—thereby experiencing the true benefits of metamorphosis.

So often, people ask me “what should I do?” To which I may give them a few options, allowing them to empower themselves to make a decision of which direction to chase down. What I then find is that, even given options, for many the prospect of doing something different can be hard: fear, confusion, uncertainty, and low self-efficacy can lead to stagnation, complacency, avoidance, and a feeling of helplessness. Such feelings then feed-back on one another creating a constant loop that leads to further feelings of failure and being stuck. At the change threshold, (that place from knowing what has to be done and actually doing it) fear and uncertainty are heightened. What is required is not us miraculously turning into a superhero but some core values that, even when things seem at their worst, can push us on to breakthrough and create a new, positive, loop. With that, the following are five values that are absolutely and profoundly e-s-s-e-n-t-i-a-l to any movement in the right direction. Once they have been internalized, we can then move forward no matter what.

1.      Honesty: because you will lie to yourself

People have a wide variety of ways to fool and deceive themselves—having to do more with our behaviors than the circumstance. What it boils down to is a type of dishonesty that we engage in so it (or we) doesn’t seem that bad. “I’m okay where I am”, “I’m not doing anything wrong”, “It’s not that THAT bad, I guess”, or “I never really felt like doing that ( as in something different) anyway” are just a few of the many lines we are prone to give ourselves when life could be telling us to do something different. For years, such scripts have kept us in place, whether we have wanted to lose weight, are stuck making excuses for an abusive relationship, a job we hate, or a poor mindset. We often have an inborn ability to lie to ourselves because honesty with ourselves can hurt. Keep in mind this should not be confused with just quitting an uncomfortable situation; after all, discomfort may not mean getting out as much as it does making a change (think, relationship issues). Honesty involves asking ourselves if we are blind to our own behavior, the hardship of the situation, or the options we have. It means taking responsibility for the way we are thinking and what we are doing; in this way, honesty is really the doorway that can start us on the journey to growth.

2.      Desire: because you will settle for less.

Do you really want to change? Really? We can be honest with ourselves yet have no desire to want different—or worse yet, content ourselves with less. Desire involves the impetus to set a new course, not letting distractions, excuses, or what is less get in our way. In the process of metamorphosis, a desire to change can help define the emotional component that yearns for something different. Once we decide to make the change and confirm our desire, we will be able to step forward. I found this true most recently in my decision to get in better shape. When the instructor was “punishing” me with one exercise after the next I had to remind myself, “I want to do this!” (several times, in fact!) Oftentimes, our desire to do something can be set off course by all the things we distract ourselves with: time, money, electronics, other obligations, and reason after reason. That’s not to say that being distracted in some cases is not legitimate—after all, I have to pick up my kid from school—but we have to be mindful of what we let distract us and get in the way. How important is that cell phone, the television, the video game? We must have desire to want to do something different, without it, we won’t even want to move.  

3.      Hope: because you will not know what is on the other side.

While embarking on change we can fail before we ever get started because we may not believe that better is a possibility. If we are straining ourselves to get in shape, for example, we need a certain amount of hope that change is a possible. If we are unable to envision ourselves looking or feeling a certain way, it will be hard to push forward. So too with any big changes in our life. If we cannot see ahead of us then, as the thinking goes, why move forward? Many of us will not take the first step because we can not imagine, or hope for, a different or better way. If this is our mindset then it makes sense to quit before we start. This is where a vision for ourselves and trust in those who are trying to help us is so important. We are so prone to thinking in negative terms such as “I am pitiful” or “I fail all the time” that we seldom experience the great sensations of feeling hopeful and accomplished. In order to hope, we must create a vision for ourselves of who we can be, who we want to be. It is important to take time away from the cruel, critical, and demanding voice of “you better do better!” in order to soak in the excitement of “you will do better!” In this way we may experience setbacks in our push forward, but the vital difference is we will not be defined by them. Putting trust and hope that a better tomorrow can happen is crucial because we may have difficulty seeing the promised land of success.

4.      Effort: because you will want it to be easier

One of my favorite statements is: “We cannot just be, we have to become”. This points to the fact that most all of us really desire a better way but may not really want to put forth the effort. Let’s face it, who doesn’t want great things to just fall in their lap? Let’s say I’ve been honest with myself, that I posses a genuine desire to change, and have hope that I can—now comes the physical reality of effort. Effort is the boots on the ground reality that churns out one foot in front of the other to move ahead. Many of us get discouraged because we want to change and even hope we can without realizing the genuine effort it takes. If we circle back to honesty we can take our head out of the cloud and say, “now I’ve got to move”. In our quick fix, Nano-second, instant gratification society we find it hard to sweat a bit without wanting to get discouraged. If we can come to a place where we understand that the biggest wins in life come from a fair amount of effort—straining, reaching, grunting, exerting effort, then we will begin to stand a chance.

5.      Determination: because you will want to quit

Some call this grit, which was a big buzz word a few years ago. Grit, fortitude, willpower, or resolve, whatever we want to call it, determination has to do with the strength to push through, even when we have so many good reasons to quit. When we are determined it means that we are willing to put up with difficulties along the way—even though we may not be assured of an outcome (see Hope). After we have been honest with ourselves about our own behavior, found the desire to want to change, applied hope that there is a better future, and began to make an effort we must keep such an effort sustained by sticking to it. For this we have to ask ourselves if we are willing to do what it takes to keep going. While I was a teacher I would often work out with the high school students in the weight room. Many were determined, asking about proper form and wanting guidance, showing up every day; others, however, would make an appearance for twenty minutes, talk, play on their phones, and cut out—they were the ones that would express frustration about not be as strong as they hoped. The truth is, they were not willing to do what it took; in fact, they allowed themselves to be distracted by socializing, phone time, and all the other shiny objects. Whereas its true we can take willingness and determination to extremely unhealthy levels, we have to accept that low levels of the two are also unhealthy. If we really want to change but do not have the grit and dedication we will no doubt end up hurt and frustrated—feeling like a failure every time (which is why people distract themselves, settle, and lose the desire). We can wish for things to change with all the energy we can muster but unless we are determined then we have little chance—in fact, I often ask people in my practice “how much do you want to change?” to which they usually reply: “100%”, then I always follow up with, “Great! What are you determined to do to change?”

The One to Rule Them All:

By far, the overarching value needed to enact the previous five is courage. Think about it, we must be courageous to practice true honesty; to dare to desire something different and not settle; to hope that we can have something more; to put forth the effort of changing; and to push through each struggle and not quit. With the practice of these values they become strengthened which then increases them in us and builds confidence and efficacy, allowing us to meet even more challenges ahead—a positive loop!

No doubt there are a number of values we must call upon to turn the wheel of change in the right direction: so much so one post cannot cover them. What is important is that we surround ourselves with the people and resources we need to help us along the way. If you find that you are ready to make a change, a good support network—which could include a therapist—can be a great asset. If you are interested in getting help, check out our website at www.dpcamodesto.com, if you would like to check out my other posts look up www.chrisoneth.com/blog.

Blessings;

Chris Oneth LMFT

Executive Director

Downey Park Counseling Associates