The Problem is No Fun: Why Fun and Problems Both Need Space in Our Head
/“Life can be difficult, so have fun whenever you can to the glory of God.”
― Peter Scazzero,
I see the problem every day of my working life. Those that come into my office are often anxious, depressed, confused, and at a loss of what to do. Individuals tell me they are not sure how to cope with life and couples tell me they don’t know how to cope with each other. So many times, all efforts that have been tried to fix it have only served to increase the problem. People want answers and by the time they come to see a therapist it is often as a last resort.
There are many questions I ask in an attempt to get to the root of the problem, among them: “What do you do for fun?” This question sometimes shocks and often confuses people but its vitally important. When looking for answers, it helps to find out if people are looking to be told what to do, versus empowering themselves to develop their own solutions for what to do. This is one of the reasons fun is important; but fun is the other side of the coin when dealing with the problem—each play off each other and must be invited to co-exist in our heads so we are not overtaken by one, and lost in the other—but I’m getting ahead of myself. First some definitions:
What is the “Problem”:
Getting the kids to school, getting to work on time, fixing the sink, paying bills, getting to see my friends at Get Fit, making sure dinner is ready, caring for a sick parent, drug addicted loved one: deadlines, conundrums, puzzles, and fix-its. The “problem” is anything that needs to be taken care of that has our brain spinning and figuring while using huge chunks of our mental real-estate. The problem can be great or small (or whatever we define as such) and involves words like task, goal, ordeal, struggle, challenge, deadline, doom, danger, time. As you can see some terms are weightier than others, but all involve something that must be taken care of.
What is “Fun”:
Fun, like the problem, can have a wide variety of definitions and places (some even chase to solve a problem because its “fun”). But if we have to narrow down what fun is, it can simply be a way to get out of our heads, to momentarily lose ourselves to an activity or pastime in which we can experience joy. Fun words include excitement, relaxation, relief, laugh, play, exuberance, silly, banter, giddy, meaningful, but can also include words like danger, challenge, reward, goal, and prize. This melding of the two is of special interest because we often get lines crossed, experiencing one while trying to get to the other.
More on The Problem:
To get a hold of each we have to figure out how they behave. The problem has certain characteristics that take the fun right out of it. I have always tried to keep in mind that unhealthy behavior is simply an extreme of healthy behavior so going after a problem is not a problem, it just helps to keep in mind the following characteristics so that we don’t get bogged down:
1. Its Needed:
The need for a problem comes in two forms: one speaks to the human capacity to have something to do, to be responsible and have a task or a purpose. The second speaks to what happens to us when the problem is overcome. That sense of accomplishment and completion can be a drug that actually turns us back to always having our head in a problem—we can even become addicted to taking care of business! Don’t get me wrong, we do need a problem, but when they ramp up, and stack up, we have problems.
2. It Can Call the Shots
When we don’t recognize the value and necessity of taking a break, instead of being something that we own, the problem will own us. This can be work, raising kids, taking on a job, taking care of the house or all of the above. “Problem thinking” can become non-stop which can lead us to lose a part of ourselves. Many whom I have worked with have no idea what they would do or be without a problem, which is why they can’t sit still or don’t even know what they do for fun.
3. It Can Shape How We Approach Life:
When we are always in fix-it mode, we tend to see only things that need fixing around us. This critical outlook can be hard on ourselves and those closest to us. This can also mean we have a very difficult time letting things go. Critical thought is good but too much of it makes us cynical and can be a trap. This can also be related to point number two in that, we will lose ourselves and become busy at fixing everything around us because we may have no idea how to be connected to ourselves. When this happens, we become critical of everyone and no fun at all—ever been told you need to lighten up?
4. It Can Come with Friends:
The problems never end! I tell this to small business owners (and “doers” of all sorts). The problems will never, ever, ever, ever, ever go away. We will never have nothing to do or get to the end of the list. Problems will bring friends, especially because we invite them! When one problem is solved, six others are stacked behind waiting for their turn, solve one and three more jump on board. If we try to get through all of them before we rest, we will never rest.
More on Fun
Fun is that thing we had when we were kids, the domain of the carefree and innocent—before bills, deadlines, breakdowns, leaky faucets, high BMI, and creaky joints. It was there when we got our hair wet by jumping in the water, when we went dancing, watched the ants, kicked a ball, or laughed so hard we couldn’t breathe. Fun doesn’t ask us to hurry up, or stop being so loud, or be more careful, or not to have fun (It’s also not critical of others having fun). To get a hold of fun we have to look at its characteristics and see how in some ways it is similar to the Problem, but isn’t:
1. Its Needed:
Now I’m repeating myself. We are more apt to say, “There must be a problem to solve!” than we will say, “There must be fun to be had!” but both are true. The Problem may seem more responsible because it has a more clearly defined job, but fun has a job too! We just place more virtue on one and dismiss the other—which can lead to burnout. Fun is needed just as the Problem must be solved.
2. It Can Get Us Away from the Problem (out of our head)
Fun’s job is to get us out of our head. Now, the Problem can also do this to some extent, but the difference is how it’s framed. Research shows that an engaging activity with meaning can bring reward, which is fun; however, even our fun can cease to be fun when it becomes a “have to”. Consider any pastime we enjoy (biking, swimming, workouts, board games etc.), now consider when they become a competitive necessity—now we have a problem!
3. It’s an Experience:
Because a Problem can take up head space, it’s important that fun be something we do, experience, take part in, and actively engage. The threshold between fun and a Problem is between our head and our bodies, and between the future and the present. Getting out of our heads requires that we engage our physical self. We can think about what it would be like to jump in the water (anticipate the cold, the wet, the drying off afterward, and keeping the sand out of the car) but to experience means we stop mulling it over and just follow through—this distinction serves as another fine line between the Problem and fun. The Problem can actually be fun when we are doing something to actively engage ourselves.
4. It Is in the Moment:
Whereas the Problem is in the future: thinking, planning, and anticipating the next move (I have to be in five places in the next hour); fun is in the present: the moment, now, being, and not somewhere else. It’s hanging out with our children and doing something we like without thinking about all the stuff we have to get done. Of course, we cannot live just for the moment every waking minute of our lives, but neither can we be casting ourselves away from the moment to the same extent.
The Fun Fix
The Problem needs Fun, just as the Fun needs The Problem. All fun can become aimless, and all problem can become oppressive and exhausting. Here are four ways to get away from The Problem trap and allow fun to bring blessings to your life:
1. Find fun things by doing and not just thinking about it.
If you don’t know what to do for fun, take some time to reflect on what you could enjoy. Even if it goes back to when you were a kid (swimming, hanging-out, bike riding, collecting rocks) reflection on things we could enjoy can be key in living wholly. Then, and most importantly, get away from the thinking phase and move to the doing phase. We often forgo fun because so many problems are calling our name. We may even live in a fun idea (“Yeah, I really need to get away soon”) but never act on it. Make it happen, jump in the water, move to action and build some memories!
2. Make time for the problem and time for fun.
As said earlier, the Problem can take over so we have to keep it at bay because it will not draw a boundary for us. Put fun on the calendar and make sure it doesn’t get pushed out. There will always be emergencies that come up so be discerning about what an emergency really is and stick to the activity. On the other side, schedule time for The Problem and keep that date too. Work whatever time you have put aside for the challenges facing you and when your time is up, move on to something good for you and the family—like fun!
3. Be with yourself and with loved ones.
Having fun with loved ones is essential. If we are all about getting things knocked out and moving non-stop then we could be teaching our kids how to be stressed and burnt-out like us. Enjoy your loved ones, laugh, joke, waste time, hang-out. Conversely, spend time with yourself doing what you think is fun, apart from what others may want. The question to ask yourself is: If I had a weekend to myself, what would I do?
4. Be ready….and flexible.
This may seem to contradict number two but hear me out. Fun can be found in the smallest of things. It need not be a major happening, or something we prepare for, or something that takes effort to plan. It will come when invited. If we can remain open to the idea that fun is everywhere then we can enjoy it in small moments that enable us to live a life complete. In this way, the big fun can be even more rewarding when the small fun has paved the way. This requires that we be ready and flexible, with an open mind and willingness to get on the ride.
This list is not exhaustive, but it can be a start. If this has sparked other ideas in you, I would love to hear them. Leave a comment below and let me know if this has been a help. You can find my other blogs here and where I work here. If you need further assistance, my colleagues and I would love to help. We do our work at Downey Park Counseling Associates in Modesto, so we hope to see you soon!
Blessings;
Chris